My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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