I just threw up on my dentist
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
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You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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