if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
