Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
