Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
