The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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