I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
