last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
