I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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