If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize