i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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