it glows. i had to have it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
