So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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