oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
