she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
