that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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