You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
