You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
