Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Even my vagina gasped.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
