Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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