This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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