Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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