dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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