Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
