On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
