I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
