I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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