I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
