oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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