the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
