He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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