Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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