evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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