i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
