don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
