Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
