I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
