How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
