I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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