if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
