He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
