WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
