What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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