I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
