Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
