I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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