Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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