Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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