That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
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Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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