wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
