i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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