Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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