you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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