There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
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I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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