yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
