A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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