So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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