You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
