it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
